C asks: "When I feel I’m whelming up inside, like a watery, tearful emotional ‘aroma’ I can’t seem to be with it; and then later in the day it’s got so big, I end up crying my eyes out and it all gets released..."
You acknowledge the feelings that are there, and then one by one, imagine you are setting the feeling outside your body, somewhere close by... See where it would like to be put....

Like many of us, when I am being with my anger, I find it very hard to get any kind of distance.

Mostly I am merged with it, and I can feel how I am experiencing it in my body. I might be getting a tight feeling in my shoulders or in my stomach area.
If you have overwhelming feelings of anger or rage, I suggest that you concentrate on ‘giving it lots of space’. By that I mean that you take time for yourself to really listen to it and acknowledge the intensity of feeling.

I want to say how much I value Focusing in these difficult times.

It is giving me enormous support on a personal level.
I am sure that everyone can benefit as much as I do, even though you may already have support systems in place, such as mindfulness, meditation, support of family and friends, and connection with nature.

Read More

A new Focuser asks, if I love something enough, will it change?

She was referring to difficulties in her life and in herself, that she wanted to be free of.
Often, we long for something to change and we try everything we can to make that change happen...

How can we live with the distress caused by climate change, Brexit and other major world events; with climate change being the biggest challenge to us all?

...My experience is that I have lived with the anguish and distress all my life. It’s under the surface much of the time. Periodically I turn towards it, and simply listen....
What comes is how much sadness and pain is there. Something in me finds it unbearable...
As well as hopelessness, I also sensed and recognised the enormous hopefulness I feel...

'...As a Focuser, I have discovered that I can trust the felt sense, but can it trust me?'

A key to successful Focusing is to develop a positive inner relationship with yourself... I remember when I first learned Focusing, I used to get cross about the injunction to be friendly with myself. I felt angry and antagonistic to parts of me that I felt were ‘getting in my way’, or sabotaging what ‘I’ wanted to do in my life.

Uncontrolled expression of anger can be harmful. So what can we do about it?

Many of us have been brought up to believe that anger is not allowed. During childhood, anger was never given the space to express itself. We were taught to control our anger, and for very good reasons... I remember only too well when I have had an outburst of anger towards a person.

'Lots of buried anger and frustration'

Q... 'I’ve been doing some loving kindness practices but it’s as though they are bringing to the boil lots of buried anger and frustration rather then calming my heart/mind. There’s a lot of clarity, insight and wisdom in the anger, but no compassion. '

'Mixed feelings'

Some time ago, a Focuser told me she is struggling with problems in her relationship. She has mixed feelings and is ambivalent in what she really wants. She loves her partner and yet something in her is unsatisfied, discontented.

Focusing on your own at home

Peter says, he finds it much easier to Focus with someone else being there as a listening companion, (and I agree), but how can he Focus on his own at home?

I recommend that you get into the habit of simply checking in with yourself periodically throughout the day. You can ask yourself, how am I, in there, right now?

Living with uncertainty and not knowing in your life can be destabilising, leading to anxiety.
I have had times in my life when I didn’t know where I was going to live, or how I was going to earn a living. It felt scary, feeling the ground shifting under my feet. And right now we are living in uncertain times...

It’s not easy to be with something that feels uncomfortable, and it’s also hard when you don’t know what it’s about, or why it is there.
It might be a feeling of tightness or constriction in the throat or chest, or any kind of physical sensation that causes discomfort...
Something in you is feeling discomfort and it is showing you through the symptoms of the painful body sensations.

A Focusers asks: 'I’ve been reading about Internal Family Systems Therapy... and wonder if you can answer my question….what is the difference between the Focusing you do and IFS?'

Focusing emphasises the felt sense, which is something unclear, fuzzy and not yet defined.
I suggest that you put your attention into the inner area of your body, while holding an awareness of the parts you are being with. Look for what’s unclear about ‘the whole thing’, more than you already know about this.

A new Focuser asks, if I love something enough, will it change?

She was referring to difficulties in her life and in herself, that she wanted to be free of.
Often, we long for something to change and we try everything we can to make that change happen...

In these difficult times, it’s easy to get sucked into negative feelings.

In the winter, when the days are dark, many people struggle with minor and major physical ailments, and it can be easy to fall into a negative pattern of thinking and feeling.
It’s sometimes hard to pull ourselves out of negative ways of being. These days also carry the weight of world issues...

I often hear people saying they have a resistance to something. They try to struggle with it and get past it, so that they can do what they really want to do.

Perhaps you have experienced something like this. You want to take an action but something in you seems to be resisting it, or preventing you from doing it...

The life situation you are facing is still the same, and you may be getting desperate because you can’t make it change by Focusing on it.

It can make a big difference if instead of trying to force it to change, you focus on changing your relationship to it. You can start by recognising that it is there; it has been that way for a long time, maybe as long as you can remember, or maybe you remember when it started, as in the case of a serious illness or mental health difficulty. You can start by bringing a sense of kindness and friendliness towards yourself who is struggling or suffering in this particular way.

How can we live with the distress caused by climate change, Brexit and other major world events; with climate change being the biggest challenge to us all?

...My experience is that I have lived with the anguish and distress all my life. It’s under the surface much of the time. Periodically I turn towards it, and simply listen....
What comes is how much sadness and pain is there. Something in me finds it unbearable...
As well as hopelessness, I also sensed and recognised the enormous hopefulness I feel...

A Focuser says, ‘Sometimes if I Focus on the problem, it just gets worse. Maybe it’s best if I don’t think about it. How does Focusing help?'

It’s true that when you Focus on a problem, it can seem to get worse. This is what I call intensification. What is happening is that when you bring your attention to something, you become more acutely aware of the pain it is carrying.

Usually most of us tend to go towards what feels difficult or problematic in our lives, and this is naturally right and proper.

I also wonder how often we Focus with what feels good in our lives. I suggest that it is helpful to spend at least some time in every session with what feels good. And then to identify and to Focus with exactly how it feels good, and where in your body does it feel good. There are a number of reasons why it is helpful...

There are many factors that can get in the way of a fruitful inner dialogue, and I will address some of them here.

1. If the dialogue is based solely in your head and in your thoughts, and not taking account of what’s happening as a body-based inner process. Your body knows more that you are consciously aware of, so if you take time to pause and listen carefully, in those quiet moments something new can come to you...

When you’re Focusing, it is helpful to say ‘I am aware of..’, and then describe what it is you are aware of.

But what is awareness itself?
It may feel like an open, spacious attentiveness. When you are Focusing, it is a deliberate act of turning your attention towards something. It it the context within which all content, all life experiences happen. It has no content itself. It has no particular agenda, of looking for a particular outcome. It has no needs or wants for itself. It just is, a state of being, always and already present.

A Focusers asks: ‘Despite some encouraging success with focusing, I still have a reoccurring familiar problem that often crops up. To me the felt-sense can feel like an intermittent radio signal....'

I see this happening often in Focusing sessions.
You are tracking something and the felt sense is there clearly and strongly. Then, it seems to have gone, somehow. And you are left feeling disappointed and perhaps lost or confused...
Felt senses can be delicate, fragile even.

Focusing involves a surrender, and a deep, attentive listening, which is humbling and life-affirming.

This surrender I am referring to is about letting go of personal, ego-driven will. I cannot force myself to change.
If I try, I might find there’s a part of me that digs its heals in, and resists the change more strongly.

Coronavirus is like a world illness. Any illness is a time to stop and reflect; a period of enforced change.

I can’t just carry on as I usually do; I have to let go, pause, surrender. When I emerge from the illness, I am changed somehow. There has been a process of letting go.
I can pick up the threads of my old life, but it’s different now.
I see this time as a process of change for the world, and we are being affected by it.

A new Focuser asks, if I love something enough, will it change?

She was referring to difficulties in her life and in herself, that she wanted to be free of.
Often, we long for something to change and we try everything we can to make that change happen...

How often do we take the time to slow down, pause, and really listen to how it feels inside?

Time seems to change in a Focusing session. People often say how quickly the time seems to go. It’s almost like stretching out time, so you can see more clearly.

I am taking time out to reflect on my journey with Focusing, which continues to unfold and inspire me in unexpected ways...

I often feel that I am experiencing ‘beginner’s mind’ in relation to Focusing. That after nearly 30 years of practising Focusing in partnerships and swap sessions, and nearly 20 years of teaching, there is so much more for me to know and to learn.

A Focuser says: ‘Sometimes when I find something difficult in my Focusing, I go to a soothing peaceful place with a calm peaceful lake and I feel much better.’

There is nothing wrong with doing this.
...This enables you to give your friendly, non-judgemental attention to whatever is difficult.
As long as you don’t stop there...

There are many factors that can get in the way of a fruitful inner dialogue, and I will address some of them here.

1. If the dialogue is based solely in your head and in your thoughts, and not taking account of what’s happening as a body-based inner process. Your body knows more that you are consciously aware of, so if you take time to pause and listen carefully, in those quiet moments something new can come to you...

A Focuser says, ‘I have been an introverted person, and now I am moving towards looking more outside myself for help and guidance. Would Focusing go against that?’

Outside help and guidance can be enormously helpful and supportive, for instance by giving another perspective when you are feeling confused, or ‘can’t see the wood for the trees’. There may be times when therapy is what’s needed.

When you are Focusing with a problem or something difficult in your life, I suggest that you only briefly spend time with the ‘story’ of that difficulty.

You already know what that story is, Indeed, you may have spent much time and energy going round and round; trying to find a solution, or to think your way out of the stuckness...

Focusing with conflicting parts

Sometimes change feels unbearably slow, and this can feel worse when there is an urgent life decision to make. Maybe you are desperate to move forward, but something in you is ‘holding you back’. Often, our response is to attack whatever it is that is holding us back; fighting it, getting angry and frustrated with it, and trying to override it.

How does the felt sense relate to parts?

In a recent article I was talking about how you can tell the difference between a part of you, and the felt sense, which is Dr. Eugene Gendlin’s term for something that can be felt in the body and is at first unclear. In this month’s tips I am going to give you an example from a recent Focusing session.

Dr. Eugene Gendlin shows how Focusing is helpful.

J. asks ‘When I do meditation I feel it achieves the same as that of Focusing, in that it's a way of getting into Presence. What are the differences with Focusing?'

Someone says, 'I want to be creative but I don't know how. I don’t seem to be able to get my project off the ground.’

Why is it that this is so true for many of us? You have ideas of some project or creative venture that you would love to do, and yet it never seems to happen. Daily life takes over and the project gets squeezed out. Or you have managed to create a space for it, but when you are there, faced with the blank canvass or whatever, you no longer have the inspiration or motivation.

What’s stopping you?

New Year resolution ideas; what are yours? Many of us take the opportunity at this time of year to make lifestyle changes, perhaps through New Year resolution ideas. I know that I do it every year, and some years are more successful than others, in following though on my commitments and good intentions.

Feeling overwhelmed...

When you first start Focusing, you may find that you are deluged or overwhelmed with big issues in your life. There may be things that you knew were there, but have not paid much attention too, partly because up until now, you didn’t know how... Sometimes there is a whole lifetime of unaddressed issues, simply because we have never been shown how to address them in a kind, gentle and caring way.

There are many factors that can get in the way of a fruitful inner dialogue, and I will address some of them here.

1. If the dialogue is based solely in your head and in your thoughts, and not taking account of what’s happening as a body-based inner process. Your body knows more that you are consciously aware of, so if you take time to pause and listen carefully, in those quiet moments something new can come to you...

When you’re Focusing, it is helpful to say ‘I am aware of..’, and then describe what it is you are aware of.

But what is awareness itself?
It may feel like an open, spacious attentiveness. When you are Focusing, it is a deliberate act of turning your attention towards something. It it the context within which all content, all life experiences happen. It has no content itself. It has no particular agenda, of looking for a particular outcome. It has no needs or wants for itself. It just is, a state of being, always and already present.

A Focusers asks: ‘Despite some encouraging success with focusing, I still have a reoccurring familiar problem that often crops up. To me the felt-sense can feel like an intermittent radio signal....'

I see this happening often in Focusing sessions.
You are tracking something and the felt sense is there clearly and strongly. Then, it seems to have gone, somehow. And you are left feeling disappointed and perhaps lost or confused...
Felt senses can be delicate, fragile even.

Focusing involves a surrender, and a deep, attentive listening, which is humbling and life-affirming.

This surrender I am referring to is about letting go of personal, ego-driven will. I cannot force myself to change.
If I try, I might find there’s a part of me that digs its heals in, and resists the change more strongly.

Coronavirus is like a world illness. Any illness is a time to stop and reflect; a period of enforced change.

I can’t just carry on as I usually do; I have to let go, pause, surrender. When I emerge from the illness, I am changed somehow. There has been a process of letting go.
I can pick up the threads of my old life, but it’s different now.
I see this time as a process of change for the world, and we are being affected by it.

A new Focuser asks, if I love something enough, will it change?

She was referring to difficulties in her life and in herself, that she wanted to be free of.
Often, we long for something to change and we try everything we can to make that change happen...

How often do we take the time to slow down, pause, and really listen to how it feels inside?

Time seems to change in a Focusing session. People often say how quickly the time seems to go. It’s almost like stretching out time, so you can see more clearly.

I am taking time out to reflect on my journey with Focusing, which continues to unfold and inspire me in unexpected ways...

I often feel that I am experiencing ‘beginner’s mind’ in relation to Focusing. That after nearly 30 years of practising Focusing in partnerships and swap sessions, and nearly 20 years of teaching, there is so much more for me to know and to learn.

A Focuser says: ‘Sometimes when I find something difficult in my Focusing, I go to a soothing peaceful place with a calm peaceful lake and I feel much better.’

There is nothing wrong with doing this.
...This enables you to give your friendly, non-judgemental attention to whatever is difficult.
As long as you don’t stop there...

C asks: "When I feel I’m whelming up inside, like a watery, tearful emotional ‘aroma’ I can’t seem to be with it; and then later in the day it’s got so big, I end up crying my eyes out and it all gets released..."
You acknowledge the feelings that are there, and then one by one, imagine you are setting the feeling outside your body, somewhere close by... See where it would like to be put....

Like many of us, when I am being with my anger, I find it very hard to get any kind of distance.

Mostly I am merged with it, and I can feel how I am experiencing it in my body. I might be getting a tight feeling in my shoulders or in my stomach area.
If you have overwhelming feelings of anger or rage, I suggest that you concentrate on ‘giving it lots of space’. By that I mean that you take time for yourself to really listen to it and acknowledge the intensity of feeling.

Gene Gendlin explained it by saying, ‘if you want to smell the soup, you don’t put your head in it!’

It’s the same principle when you are Focusing.
You are being curious about what you find inside yourself. You want to know more; to find out where a feeling is coming from, how it relates to your life situation, and what it needs so that you can move forward.
If you are ‘merged’ with a feeling, it’s like having your head in the soup.
You can’t see anything else. Your whole experience is the soup.

A Focusers asks: 'I’ve been reading about Internal Family Systems Therapy... and wonder if you can answer my question….what is the difference between the Focusing you do and IFS?'

Focusing emphasises the felt sense, which is something unclear, fuzzy and not yet defined.
I suggest that you put your attention into the inner area of your body, while holding an awareness of the parts you are being with. Look for what’s unclear about ‘the whole thing’, more than you already know about this.

A Focusers asks, ‘One question I had in mind while listening to your session was, how does one operate from a place of quite/presence/heart to attend the difficult aspects/parts of oneself.'

I agree that our identification with parts of us goes very deep.
Even though we would love to be able to live from the awakened, aware state all of the time, few of us experience that. In my view, it is enough that we can experience it at least some of the time.

A new Focuser asks, if I love something enough, will it change?

She was referring to difficulties in her life and in herself, that she wanted to be free of.
Often, we long for something to change and we try everything we can to make that change happen...

I have returned inspired from a meeting of Focusing professionals in Europe. We met in Aegina, a beautiful island close to Athens, and collaborated in developing our lively European Focusing Association.

Our dear colleague and friend, distinguished writer Campbell Purton got us started on exploring what do we mean when we talk about the body. He is a philosopher, and helped us to think deeply about what Gene Gendlin was referring to when he talked about the body.

A Focuser says, ‘I have been an introverted person, and now I am moving towards looking more outside myself for help and guidance. Would Focusing go against that?’

Outside help and guidance can be enormously helpful and supportive, for instance by giving another perspective when you are feeling confused, or ‘can’t see the wood for the trees’. There may be times when therapy is what’s needed.

I want to say how much I value Focusing in these difficult times.

It is giving me enormous support on a personal level.
I am sure that everyone can benefit as much as I do, even though you may already have support systems in place, such as mindfulness, meditation, support of family and friends, and connection with nature.

...
Read More

I received the sad news that Gene Gendlin, who developed Focusing, died yesterday.

I was very fortunate to have spent a day with him about 10 years ago in New York. I was touched by his humility, humanity and kindness; as well as a fluidity of spirit, genuineness and humour. His lightness and depth of being made a great impression on me...

What advice can you offer for Focusing in times of strong emotions such as grief and heartbreak?

B. writes, I want help supporting the grieving process. I had a regular Focusing call with a companion a few days after a dear friend had died. Shortly before the call, I realised a range of emotions had been flowing easily and I had, without asking or intending, experienced felt senses that had guided me in the grief process.' ...
Read More

Tough issues and stubborn patterns

Christiane writes: It sometimes strikes me, that although I have done so much Focusing already, some of my “stubborn patterns” don’t seem to move and I am wondering if Focusing can really do all the work...

When to stay with sadness and grieving, and when to get on with life and look at the sunny side of life.

Christiane writes: Still I am going through a lot of grieving and sadness and that scares me sometimes, because I think it might get more and more and never stop. I am aware that I am still searching so much for fulfillment and happiness and it makes me so sad, that I haven’t reached yet, what makes me fulfilled in life...

I want to say how much I value Focusing in these difficult times.

It is giving me enormous support on a personal level.
I am sure that everyone can benefit as much as I do, even though you may already have support systems in place, such as mindfulness, meditation, support of family and friends, and connection with nature.

...
Read More

This is adapted from an interview I did recently with Amy McCormack for Thresholds, the quarterly professional journal of BACP Spirituality division.

Although I rarely make it explicit, for me Focusing is inherently a spiritual practice. As well as meditation, Focusing helps me to stay centred and grounded. It encourages compassion for myself and others.

If I’m experiencing challenging times in spiritual life or daily life, I have the practice of Focusing to support me.

I have returned inspired from a meeting of Focusing professionals in Europe. We met in Aegina, a beautiful island close to Athens, and collaborated in developing our lively European Focusing Association.

Our dear colleague and friend, distinguished writer Campbell Purton got us started on exploring what do we mean when we talk about the body. He is a philosopher, and helped us to think deeply about what Gene Gendlin was referring to when he talked about the body.

Sometimes big, overwhelming feelings can sweep over you, especially if Focusing is new to you.

You can always check with your felt sense, by asking, ‘does it feel OK for me to be with this?’ And then wait and see what comes. Two things can happen...

I have found Focusing has helped me enormously in my work as a therapist.

...You can use Focusing to ground yourself in the present moment, becoming aware of how you are, and what you are bringing to the therapy space. It helps by increasing self awareness, and allows issues to settle, without you being taken over by strong feelings, or needing to push them away.

Present moment awareness

J asks ‘How can I stay more in the present moment? I know that being in this state of immediacy is the best way to be, but somehow I'm moving ahead, making plans, and I miss being in the moment.’

It sounds like you have a lot going on in your thoughts. And we do need to plan ahead, but it can get in the way...

'Should I have my eyes open or closed while doing Whole Body Focusing?'

A. asks ‘In your experience do most people doing Whole Body Focusing, focus with their eyes closed or open? I was just curious as there is the invitation to sense in to the environment around at the beginning and I imagine that can be done more easily with eyes open.

'Afraid of being overwhelmed'

A Focuser asks: ‘As someone new to focusing, I'm finding it can be quite a scary time. On the one hand, I'm very excited and energised, and it feels transformative. On the other hand, the new habits aren't yet established, and this new way of being with feelings (which I may have been ignoring for most of my life) can feel frightening...

'I sometimes feel locked into the past'

Katrina writes, Although I feel comfortable with myself, I sometimes feel locked into the past and remain unhealed with certain things or issues. I would like to find a way where I am grounded in my body and supported by my environment...

C asks: "When I feel I’m whelming up inside, like a watery, tearful emotional ‘aroma’ I can’t seem to be with it; and then later in the day it’s got so big, I end up crying my eyes out and it all gets released..."
You acknowledge the feelings that are there, and then one by one, imagine you are setting the feeling outside your body, somewhere close by... See where it would like to be put....

A Focusers asks, ‘One question I had in mind while listening to your session was, how does one operate from a place of quite/presence/heart to attend the difficult aspects/parts of oneself.'

I agree that our identification with parts of us goes very deep.
Even though we would love to be able to live from the awakened, aware state all of the time, few of us experience that. In my view, it is enough that we can experience it at least some of the time.

How Focusing helps you with overcoming self doubt.

A reader asks, How can I best use Focusing to deal with the problem of overcoming self doubt, that often appears relentlessly during Focusing, meditation or when just trying to relax; and it prevents me ever being able to be fully at ease with myself, let alone others?

Is there a way of using my focusing skills to address how I feel empty?

...‘In response to early childhood experiences I suffer from chronic feelings of emptiness. I feel empty a lot of the time. This leads to a constant need to find distractions and means I cannot be with myself for any length of time in a relaxed and peaceful way.'

Focusing helps self soothing for adults.

Question: 'I'd be interested to hear what your focusing advice is regarding ongoing balancing/healing work I'm doing on a daily basis. Over the past 2 decades, like many people I'm developing an awareness of myself and my life which includes thinking and feeling (emotions) as well a physical and spiritual (though not religious) human being.

'A child desperate for help'

A Focuser says, I was listening to your Focusing CD and following the guided practices as closely as I could.... The practice in Track 6 brought forward a strong felt sense which evolved into that of a child desperate for help, to have questions answered and above all to be heard.

A Focuser says, ‘I love your Focusing CD. But listening to it, I got desperate.’

A. I suggest that you slow down when you practice Focusing. Taking your time allows the process to deepen, and unfold at your own pace. In our culture, we rarely take the time to slow down, stop and really listen.... We’re impatient, and expect the answer to our dilemma to arrive instantly, if not yesterday.

Focusing with something that isn’t there - being with something that is implied.

A Focusing student asks, ‘Sometimes I feel I am being criticised, and yet no-one outside of me is criticising. It’s just a general feeling I get, that I am not doing it right, and so I feel a failure and this makes things worse. It reminds me how I felt at school.

'Dark, empty cavern'

Andrea says, I have a situation in my life with a group of friends where I really want to be authentic and true to myself in my communications. When I practised Focusing, I realised that I have no feelings that match my thoughts.

'I sometimes feel locked into the past'

Katrina writes, Although I feel comfortable with myself, I sometimes feel locked into the past and remain unhealed with certain things or issues. I would like to find a way where I am grounded in my body and supported by my environment...

There are many factors that can get in the way of a fruitful inner dialogue, and I will address some of them here.

1. If the dialogue is based solely in your head and in your thoughts, and not taking account of what’s happening as a body-based inner process. Your body knows more that you are consciously aware of, so if you take time to pause and listen carefully, in those quiet moments something new can come to you...

A Focusers asks, ‘One question I had in mind while listening to your session was, how does one operate from a place of quite/presence/heart to attend the difficult aspects/parts of oneself.'

I agree that our identification with parts of us goes very deep.
Even though we would love to be able to live from the awakened, aware state all of the time, few of us experience that. In my view, it is enough that we can experience it at least some of the time.

I am taking time out to reflect on my journey with Focusing, which continues to unfold and inspire me in unexpected ways...

I often feel that I am experiencing ‘beginner’s mind’ in relation to Focusing. That after nearly 30 years of practising Focusing in partnerships and swap sessions, and nearly 20 years of teaching, there is so much more for me to know and to learn.

The life situation you are facing is still the same, and you may be getting desperate because you can’t make it change by Focusing on it.

It can make a big difference if instead of trying to force it to change, you focus on changing your relationship to it. You can start by recognising that it is there; it has been that way for a long time, maybe as long as you can remember, or maybe you remember when it started, as in the case of a serious illness or mental health difficulty. You can start by bringing a sense of kindness and friendliness towards yourself who is struggling or suffering in this particular way.

Present moment awareness

J asks ‘How can I stay more in the present moment? I know that being in this state of immediacy is the best way to be, but somehow I'm moving ahead, making plans, and I miss being in the moment.’

It sounds like you have a lot going on in your thoughts. And we do need to plan ahead, but it can get in the way...

I can find a felt sense in my body, but how do I do Focusing with my controlling mind?

Controlling mind can be a problem when you are Focusing. I am pleased to hear that you can find a felt sense in your body when you are Focusing, and I wonder what is the difference when you Focus with something in your mind?

Sensing, symbolising and resonating is the core of Focusing.

The felt sense - how to find it.

G asks how she can Focus when she seems to be in her head a lot of the time. She finds it difficult to be in touch with her body, and her awareness is mostly in her head.

'I am under a lot of stress'

D says I am feeling a lot of stress. Can Focusing help? My wife is making a lot of demands on me, at a time when I am under a lot of stress because I run my own business, and I need to work a lot to pay the mortgage and the bills. I need to earn enough to keep the whole family of 3 growing teenagers and my wife...

'How do I know it is not just my thinking mind giving me answers?'

Geraldine says: ‘I find I seem to live in my head a lot - thinking, analysing, being logical and rational. How do I know when I am focusing that I am getting a felt sense and it is not just my thinking mind giving me answers?’ ...
Read More

'Lots of buried anger and frustration'

Q... 'I’ve been doing some loving kindness practices but it’s as though they are bringing to the boil lots of buried anger and frustration rather then calming my heart/mind. There’s a lot of clarity, insight and wisdom in the anger, but no compassion. '

When you are Focusing, it helps to develop your capacity for awareness.
This deepens and enriches your Focusing and brings lasting change into your life.... You can find your awareness in your mind, in your heart or in your belly. You can look for it where it is most accessible, in external sensory awareness, or internal awareness.

It’s not easy to be with something that feels uncomfortable, and it’s also hard when you don’t know what it’s about, or why it is there.
It might be a feeling of tightness or constriction in the throat or chest, or any kind of physical sensation that causes discomfort...
Something in you is feeling discomfort and it is showing you through the symptoms of the painful body sensations.

How many times do we say to each other, ‘take care’, or ‘take good care of yourself’, or ‘look after yourself’, usually as a way of saying goodbye?

Do we really take care of ourselves? Do you?
What often stops us is lack of time, or perhaps an unwillingness to slow down, pause and listen, and take the action that is needed.
Sometimes we may not listen because we don’t want to hear what our body tells us.

In these difficult times, it’s easy to get sucked into negative feelings.

In the winter, when the days are dark, many people struggle with minor and major physical ailments, and it can be easy to fall into a negative pattern of thinking and feeling.
It’s sometimes hard to pull ourselves out of negative ways of being. These days also carry the weight of world issues...

A Focuser says: ‘Sometimes when I find something difficult in my Focusing, I go to a soothing peaceful place with a calm peaceful lake and I feel much better.’

There is nothing wrong with doing this.
...This enables you to give your friendly, non-judgemental attention to whatever is difficult.
As long as you don’t stop there...

How can we live with the distress caused by climate change, Brexit and other major world events; with climate change being the biggest challenge to us all?

...My experience is that I have lived with the anguish and distress all my life. It’s under the surface much of the time. Periodically I turn towards it, and simply listen....
What comes is how much sadness and pain is there. Something in me finds it unbearable...
As well as hopelessness, I also sensed and recognised the enormous hopefulness I feel...

A Focuser says, ‘Sometimes if I Focus on the problem, it just gets worse. Maybe it’s best if I don’t think about it. How does Focusing help?'

It’s true that when you Focus on a problem, it can seem to get worse. This is what I call intensification. What is happening is that when you bring your attention to something, you become more acutely aware of the pain it is carrying.

Usually most of us tend to go towards what feels difficult or problematic in our lives, and this is naturally right and proper.

I also wonder how often we Focus with what feels good in our lives. I suggest that it is helpful to spend at least some time in every session with what feels good. And then to identify and to Focus with exactly how it feels good, and where in your body does it feel good. There are a number of reasons why it is helpful...

Conflicting feelings

H. writes, 'I'm very aware that in a Focusing session, there are several parts of me that want a stake in the process! ...How would you suggest addressing this whole scenario of conflicting parts trying to get a piece of the action...?

When does Focusing help?

Both meditation and Focusing enable you to get into Presence. Whereas the goal of meditation is for you to become established in a state of being in Presence, Focusing is more often a vehicle for enabling felt shifts and inner changes to occur. So what life situations might call for inner change?

A Focusers asks: 'I’ve been reading about Internal Family Systems Therapy... and wonder if you can answer my question….what is the difference between the Focusing you do and IFS?'

Focusing emphasises the felt sense, which is something unclear, fuzzy and not yet defined.
I suggest that you put your attention into the inner area of your body, while holding an awareness of the parts you are being with. Look for what’s unclear about ‘the whole thing’, more than you already know about this.

A Focusers asks, ‘One question I had in mind while listening to your session was, how does one operate from a place of quite/presence/heart to attend the difficult aspects/parts of oneself.'

I agree that our identification with parts of us goes very deep.
Even though we would love to be able to live from the awakened, aware state all of the time, few of us experience that. In my view, it is enough that we can experience it at least some of the time.

Imagine an apple.

You could name it and describe it. Now try and answer the question ‘what is that?’, without using any words. Keep saying to yourself what is that, and don’t answer in words.
Notice what comes there. Maybe there’s a sensory response.
If so, keep going, beyond the sensory.
What happens next?

How often do we take the time to slow down, pause, and really listen to how it feels inside?

Time seems to change in a Focusing session. People often say how quickly the time seems to go. It’s almost like stretching out time, so you can see more clearly.

I often hear people saying they have a resistance to something. They try to struggle with it and get past it, so that they can do what they really want to do.

Perhaps you have experienced something like this. You want to take an action but something in you seems to be resisting it, or preventing you from doing it...

I have returned inspired from a meeting of Focusing professionals in Europe. We met in Aegina, a beautiful island close to Athens, and collaborated in developing our lively European Focusing Association.

Our dear colleague and friend, distinguished writer Campbell Purton got us started on exploring what do we mean when we talk about the body. He is a philosopher, and helped us to think deeply about what Gene Gendlin was referring to when he talked about the body.

'...As a Focuser, I have discovered that I can trust the felt sense, but can it trust me?'

A key to successful Focusing is to develop a positive inner relationship with yourself... I remember when I first learned Focusing, I used to get cross about the injunction to be friendly with myself. I felt angry and antagonistic to parts of me that I felt were ‘getting in my way’, or sabotaging what ‘I’ wanted to do in my life.

When you are Focusing with a problem or something difficult in your life, I suggest that you only briefly spend time with the ‘story’ of that difficulty.

You already know what that story is, Indeed, you may have spent much time and energy going round and round; trying to find a solution, or to think your way out of the stuckness...

C asks: "When I feel I’m whelming up inside, like a watery, tearful emotional ‘aroma’ I can’t seem to be with it; and then later in the day it’s got so big, I end up crying my eyes out and it all gets released..."
You acknowledge the feelings that are there, and then one by one, imagine you are setting the feeling outside your body, somewhere close by... See where it would like to be put....

Living with uncertainty and not knowing in your life can be destabilising, leading to anxiety.
I have had times in my life when I didn’t know where I was going to live, or how I was going to earn a living. It felt scary, feeling the ground shifting under my feet. And right now we are living in uncertain times...

When you are Focusing, it helps to develop your capacity for awareness.
This deepens and enriches your Focusing and brings lasting change into your life.... You can find your awareness in your mind, in your heart or in your belly. You can look for it where it is most accessible, in external sensory awareness, or internal awareness.

I want to say how much I value Focusing in these difficult times.

It is giving me enormous support on a personal level.
I am sure that everyone can benefit as much as I do, even though you may already have support systems in place, such as mindfulness, meditation, support of family and friends, and connection with nature.

...
Read More

A Focusers asks: 'I’ve been reading about Internal Family Systems Therapy... and wonder if you can answer my question….what is the difference between the Focusing you do and IFS?'

Focusing emphasises the felt sense, which is something unclear, fuzzy and not yet defined.
I suggest that you put your attention into the inner area of your body, while holding an awareness of the parts you are being with. Look for what’s unclear about ‘the whole thing’, more than you already know about this.

A Focusers asks, ‘One question I had in mind while listening to your session was, how does one operate from a place of quite/presence/heart to attend the difficult aspects/parts of oneself.'

I agree that our identification with parts of us goes very deep.
Even though we would love to be able to live from the awakened, aware state all of the time, few of us experience that. In my view, it is enough that we can experience it at least some of the time.

A key aspect of Focusing partnership is to be able to show compassion and be empathic with your partner.

The Focuser needs to feel safe with you, and they need to know that they will not be judged or criticised. But how do you actually do it, and can compassion and empathy be learned?

A Focuser says: ‘Sometimes when I find something difficult in my Focusing, I go to a soothing peaceful place with a calm peaceful lake and I feel much better.’

There is nothing wrong with doing this.
...This enables you to give your friendly, non-judgemental attention to whatever is difficult.
As long as you don’t stop there...

I have returned inspired from a meeting of Focusing professionals in Europe. We met in Aegina, a beautiful island close to Athens, and collaborated in developing our lively European Focusing Association.

Our dear colleague and friend, distinguished writer Campbell Purton got us started on exploring what do we mean when we talk about the body. He is a philosopher, and helped us to think deeply about what Gene Gendlin was referring to when he talked about the body.

Every Focusing teacher develops their own style of teaching, just as every Focuser develops their own Focusing practice, because each of us is unique...

Gene Gendlin, who developed Focusing, said Focusing always ‘crosses’ with something else. It isn’t a standalone practice, because you change it by being who you are. Your personality, past history, current interests and understandings all inform your Focusing practice. I cannot separate myself from my past, my nature, or my way of being. Focusing crosses with who we are.

There are many factors that can get in the way of a fruitful inner dialogue, and I will address some of them here.

1. If the dialogue is based solely in your head and in your thoughts, and not taking account of what’s happening as a body-based inner process. Your body knows more that you are consciously aware of, so if you take time to pause and listen carefully, in those quiet moments something new can come to you...

How often do we take the time to slow down, pause, and really listen to how it feels inside?

Time seems to change in a Focusing session. People often say how quickly the time seems to go. It’s almost like stretching out time, so you can see more clearly.

I am taking time out to reflect on my journey with Focusing, which continues to unfold and inspire me in unexpected ways...

I often feel that I am experiencing ‘beginner’s mind’ in relation to Focusing. That after nearly 30 years of practising Focusing in partnerships and swap sessions, and nearly 20 years of teaching, there is so much more for me to know and to learn.

A key aspect of Focusing partnership is to be able to show compassion and be empathic with your partner.

The Focuser needs to feel safe with you, and they need to know that they will not be judged or criticised. But how do you actually do it, and can compassion and empathy be learned?

Although I rarely make it explicit, for me Focusing is inherently a spiritual practice. As well as meditation, Focusing helps me to stay centred and grounded. It encourages compassion for myself and others.

If I’m experiencing challenging times in spiritual life or daily life, I have the practice of Focusing to support me.

A Focuser says, ‘I have been an introverted person, and now I am moving towards looking more outside myself for help and guidance. Would Focusing go against that?’

Outside help and guidance can be enormously helpful and supportive, for instance by giving another perspective when you are feeling confused, or ‘can’t see the wood for the trees’. There may be times when therapy is what’s needed.

Having returned from a wonderful teaching trip to the Just Being Centre in Pune, India, I want to share a key moment, and what it can mean for your Focusing.

I was demonstrating with a course participant, and after feedback in the group I invited her to share from her perspective. She said, ‘It is not a technique. Only hearts can do this.’ I was deeply touched and moved. I felt that as a new Focuser, she got it. She understood what it means to listen to herself with kindness and compassion

Have you noticed how different things come up in your Focusing session, when you have different Focusing partners?

...You are the same person, with the same issues, and yet when you are with a Focusing partner, something will come up for attention, that would not come up with another person as your partner... At the recent Focusing community camp, I had the chance to explore how I feel in relationship with the person I was being a Focusing partner with.

'I feel other people's feelings'

A Focuser wants to know how she can deal with feelings that are not her own, but she feels them in the presence of another person as if they were her own feelings.

A. It seems to me that you are a highly sensitive person. Sensitivity to the feelings of others can mean that you are also very empathic. You know what people are going through, and this gives you compassion and empathy.

'I am under a lot of stress'

D says I am feeling a lot of stress. Can Focusing help? My wife is making a lot of demands on me, at a time when I am under a lot of stress because I run my own business, and I need to work a lot to pay the mortgage and the bills. I need to earn enough to keep the whole family of 3 growing teenagers and my wife...

I have just come back from the first BFA Focusing community camp and I am totally inspired...

Each workshop brought fresh new understanding and discoveries. I left the workshop wanting to explore what it means to me, and how I may take my new learnings forward.

How Focusing helps you with overcoming self doubt.

A reader asks, How can I best use Focusing to deal with the problem of overcoming self doubt, that often appears relentlessly during Focusing, meditation or when just trying to relax; and it prevents me ever being able to be fully at ease with myself, let alone others?

Question - My thinking mind can turn into the critical inner voice which I really don't want to listen to anymore.

'In the past I've listened to my critical inner voice over and over again. Now I try to pull it up like a weed. Do I really want to let that part of me see that it has good reason to be there, when I am Focusing?'

'I want to get beyond this terrible feeling of being a failure.'

Failure in life can hit you at any time. When it does, Focusing can help you deal with your emotions.

S. says ‘How do I deal with my emotions? I want to get beyond this terrible feeling of being a failure.

Focusing with something that isn’t there - being with something that is implied.

A Focusing student asks, ‘Sometimes I feel I am being criticised, and yet no-one outside of me is criticising. It’s just a general feeling I get, that I am not doing it right, and so I feel a failure and this makes things worse. It reminds me how I felt at school.

'I wish I didn't feel like that'

Someone tells me she doesn’t feel at all friendly with herself, when she is caught in a self-destructive repetitive pattern. She really wishes it wasn’t there. She wants to get rid of it because she can see how it is hurting her or damaging her life.

When you are Focusing, it helps to develop your capacity for awareness.
This deepens and enriches your Focusing and brings lasting change into your life.... You can find your awareness in your mind, in your heart or in your belly. You can look for it where it is most accessible, in external sensory awareness, or internal awareness.

There are many factors that can get in the way of a fruitful inner dialogue, and I will address some of them here.

1. If the dialogue is based solely in your head and in your thoughts, and not taking account of what’s happening as a body-based inner process. Your body knows more that you are consciously aware of, so if you take time to pause and listen carefully, in those quiet moments something new can come to you...

How many times do we say to each other, ‘take care’, or ‘take good care of yourself’, or ‘look after yourself’, usually as a way of saying goodbye?

Do we really take care of ourselves? Do you?
What often stops us is lack of time, or perhaps an unwillingness to slow down, pause and listen, and take the action that is needed.
Sometimes we may not listen because we don’t want to hear what our body tells us.

Coronavirus is like a world illness. Any illness is a time to stop and reflect; a period of enforced change.

I can’t just carry on as I usually do; I have to let go, pause, surrender. When I emerge from the illness, I am changed somehow. There has been a process of letting go.
I can pick up the threads of my old life, but it’s different now.
I see this time as a process of change for the world, and we are being affected by it.

How often do we take the time to slow down, pause, and really listen to how it feels inside?

Time seems to change in a Focusing session. People often say how quickly the time seems to go. It’s almost like stretching out time, so you can see more clearly.

A Focuser says: ‘Sometimes when I find something difficult in my Focusing, I go to a soothing peaceful place with a calm peaceful lake and I feel much better.’

There is nothing wrong with doing this.
...This enables you to give your friendly, non-judgemental attention to whatever is difficult.
As long as you don’t stop there...

I often hear people saying they have a resistance to something. They try to struggle with it and get past it, so that they can do what they really want to do.

Perhaps you have experienced something like this. You want to take an action but something in you seems to be resisting it, or preventing you from doing it...

The life situation you are facing is still the same, and you may be getting desperate because you can’t make it change by Focusing on it.

It can make a big difference if instead of trying to force it to change, you focus on changing your relationship to it. You can start by recognising that it is there; it has been that way for a long time, maybe as long as you can remember, or maybe you remember when it started, as in the case of a serious illness or mental health difficulty. You can start by bringing a sense of kindness and friendliness towards yourself who is struggling or suffering in this particular way.

How can we live with the distress caused by climate change, Brexit and other major world events; with climate change being the biggest challenge to us all?

...My experience is that I have lived with the anguish and distress all my life. It’s under the surface much of the time. Periodically I turn towards it, and simply listen....
What comes is how much sadness and pain is there. Something in me finds it unbearable...
As well as hopelessness, I also sensed and recognised the enormous hopefulness I feel...

A Focuser says, ‘Sometimes if I Focus on the problem, it just gets worse. Maybe it’s best if I don’t think about it. How does Focusing help?'

It’s true that when you Focus on a problem, it can seem to get worse. This is what I call intensification. What is happening is that when you bring your attention to something, you become more acutely aware of the pain it is carrying.